We live in an era of ego here in the US. This is evident in everything from our brash politicians, to our favorite self-involved social media past times (blog, anyone?), to our focus on making sure we have a unique name/sense of style/personalized existence including everything from our Starbucks order to our smart phone case. Everything is about the individual and our one-of-a-kind experience. It is through this lens of total self-involvement that I have decided that some things just don’t matter.
It all started with survivors guilt. A few years ago, as I was working through some death “stuff”, I came across so many articles that talked about survivors guilt and the universal nature of it. Survivors guilt can be crippling, as we beat ourselves up for everything we should have done/said/felt. But then it occurred to me how false this is. I mean, why does anyone need to feel bad about things that they didn’t do if, in fact, no matter what you did you are still going to feel bad about what you think you should’ve done better? It’s universal and inescapable. Whether you were the most dedicated friend or a total d-bag to the person, you still feel like you didn’t do enough and there was more you should’ve done. What’s true about this is that its totally false. I mean, if you were a total jerkface to someone, feel like an ass, but don’t feel like one because some trick of hormones tells you that you should! Survivors guilt is a lie, so I decided to let it go. Why hold onto something that only makes you feel bad no matter how good you have been?
And the funny thing is, this is probably the opposite of what most people would tell you. In fact, most would argue that the universality of any human experience makes it more valid, because it is shared. I mean, one of my favorite authors wrote a poem in which she says, “We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike….” It is a virtual celebration of how human beings should find solace in our commonality. And its wonderful when you talk about how we all answer a smile with a smile or understand what an open hand offered in friendship means, but when we’re talking about things that cause us to suffer, why shouldn’t we look at those commonalities as just bad programming?
So today, I was reading an “Ask Polly” column where Polly concentrated on the power of shame – both for negative and positive results. And it occurred to me that shame is pretty darned universal too! Feeling bad about yourself is pretty darned common. So common, in fact, that it totally flies in the face of our proud, individualistic nature.
You want to be basic? Put on some booties and an infinity scarf, buy a PSL and shame yourself.
There is nothing unique about guilting yourself or feeling bad about yourself. We all do it. It’s just bad programming. Not only does shaming yourself lack originality and imagination, but it also sucks up too much of your time. You get such a short amount of time, we all do. Why spend one moment of that on something that can basically be chalked up to bad programming? Save the feeling bad for when you do something that is shameful, something that hurts someone else, or is just plain mean. Feel guilty when you deserve it for being an ass, not for just being you.
As I said in the title, some things just don’t matter, but you do. You matter…unique you, not “universally programmed guilt machine” you. Embrace the ego, maybe even start a blog, but whatever you do, stop feeling bad for bad programming!
WaitLife 